Criminal Masterminds have been scattered around the world for their creative genius which always involved a plot which represented the actual blue printed plan and precisely each step that needs to be done in order to make a clean escape from all police as well making sure to carry out everything with a code of extreme caution in every step of the stages of any intended criminal activity and more especially no witnesses to be seen. The idea is to go in, wrap everything up, whatever is needed and necessary and then to leave into hiding for a long time under the radar. We can expect these standards from Professional, experienced, well planned and prepared criminal, however there are a few people in the world who are just plain right stupid and failed even being a clever crook. We take a look at 10 of the dumbest criminals ever, by ranks of their stupidity, 10 to 1. More like fun to none as the outcomes of their intended action goes completely the opposite in direction.
10. Klaus Schmidt
Schmidt! And to all you Schmidt’s out there, I mean absolute no offense but this guy, sincerely must have given you a bad name, and wait till you see the actual dum dum here by his un-actionable action. The man knew his flaws, imperfections, disabilities and didn’t consider it to be his downfall, he has however and we give him a great deal of respect for putting it aside and taking a brave leap of faith into not stopping, moving forward, doing what he wants. This unfortunately isn’t your average success and motivation story, in advance we advise you NOT to learn from this. Dumb here would be absolutely appropriate due to this particular Robber gave literal sense to the word and figuratively as well. The downfall of Schmidt is that he went into a bank, tried to rob that bank, guns flashing and everything but he was deaf at which the bank people were able to pick up when he said “you’re dam right it’s a real gun!” When the question asked was: “do you need a bag” and that alarm was sounded, he couldn’t hear it, didn’t expect it either am sure.
9. Un-named (Attempted ATM theft)
There is a statistically recorded 425 000 ATM’s in America alone which is a frequent appearance almost at every major place you can think off. This frequent occurrence would be of utmost convince to card holders as it’s a quick withdraw every time at almost every block you can think of but also “Dollar signs” In the reflection of people with eyes that want what they see. Everybody wants wealth, but the honest Citizens of the world would either work for it, start a business or generate some, borrow from friends and family in times of desperacy etc. And then there is some who would steal! This places a huge red target on ATMs all around the place. This is rather an amusing tale as they’ve tried to pull a “fast and furious” move in reality America. Firstly by stealing a Van that was supposed to be his getaway vehicle (which firstly is a terrible choice as it’s Not fast at all even if police were chasing him. Caught on Camera, driving off with a chain, only to realize he hasn’t tied it.
8. Ruban Zurate
“Call me maybe”, is what we may dub the tale of Ruban Zurate as. 18 year old Ruban, young blood, warm blooded too maybe and most definitely dum in the process. Ruban Zurate, for his utter stupidity and lack of robbery skills deserves more than just a position on the list of Dumbest Criminals ever. The world has always known teenagers to be reckless and their chances of mistakes are at a high rate all the time, Teenagers are generally absolutely silly in their ways and obviously thinking capacities too. This is precisely why being a nerd has its perks when it comes to the side of intelligence unwitted out by others their age group. Our friend Zurate tried to rob a store, thinking is all ‘badass’ or the most feared criminal in town as though people are to shudder and jump to his tune. What a shmuck! Zurate gave his number to the cashier to give to the boss of the store, so that when he arrives, to open the safe and phone him to just hand the money to him when he arrives. Clever a boss of that store he was, he did call him back to tell him to please come back, take the money as requested, only to be greeted by a swarm of police gladly waiting to arrest him and feast with donuts and latte’s at his domness back at the station with em’ good ol’ boys in blue.
7. Zechary Tentoni
It’s not very often that we could actually petty criminals. Zechary however is more of a Sorrowful case come to think about it, hardly a criminal at all since he total lacks the ‘bad ass’ attitude that real criminals would possess. Bad deed tried to be done by him, nothing good came out of it obviously, it was anticipated. The most important rule to any crime at which you wish to do without being caught or anything leading back to you, is NOT to reveal your identity, this is round about the Golden-ist rule you could ever adhere too in order to make a clean slate from authorities. Zechary Tentoni sounds like a Russian Mobster isn’t so? But unfortunately in reality he cannot be passed as even a mere Russian Pauper as even they sincerely and respectively know a thing or two that helps them stay out of trouble. The carelessness of Zechary has gotten him traced back, saving the police an immense amount of investigation time and deep digging as during his attempt at crime, he has dropped his birth certificate as well as a note from Dear Mamma.
6. “Xavi” the donkey
There is a reason why I’d write a list on dum criminals and post it on the internet to showcase their dumness, particularly because if they failed at their crimes that I’m pretty sure even a 13 year old would have been able to pull off better, then I’m rest assured that they probably won’t be as successful in catching me either. Besides this, were not actually insulting them, but rather giving accolade to their stupidity, embracing them for being a few mind bolts loose is a good thing ; It’s a calculated risk, I can afford to take on my life ,calculated by the analysis of their sorrowful and rather amusing attempts. Now back to criminal mechanisms. It’s to common knowledge that the vital part of any escape after a crime isn’t to run as you’d be easily caught on foot, so the next best thing is to have a super bike to spin off in or a super car at least, fine-tuned for speed and performance, no registration plate, tinted black windows etc. In terms of animals as a means of escape though, one may consider a horse like how them bandits did it in the old west, guns blazing, giddy up! And gallop! Xavi on the other hand was a regular donkey in the world, yet made famous to the world by a few robbers who were unsuccessful in using it as their getaway ‘horse’ by its alarming noise that something was wrong which obviously meant the end of such ‘criminals’ escape medium.
5. Albert Bailey
Honestly, if a famous megalomaniac such as: Osama Bin Laden for instance had to call the President, and not say a word for 2 seconds and maybe just fired a gunshot near the speaker then cut the call, he would have made more of a statement to the entire of the United States of America and to the world probably where the United States Government would probably have the whole of the Military on standby to prepare for the worst that could happen, Osama bin Laden doesn’t flip mind switches ever the average angry guy, he flips switches that make the world go “Kaboom!”. Albert Bailey on the other hand together with his Juvenile accomplice thought they had plotted together an ingenious plan of action, the perfect bank robbery. Bailey thought he could give the bank a call, demanding $100 000 in cash to be gathered for his arrival, he sends in a Juvenile to make the pickup, snipers cannot shoot ,piece of cake. The bank teller had phoned the police to inform them precisely as the Juvy walked in and boom! Case closed. Bailey had been granted no ‘Bail’ unfortunately due to the commitment of first degree robbery. Hasta la vista baby… I mean Bailey.
4. Mganga Mganga
As we get to the core of the dumbest criminals ever, their stories branch off into a more hilarious, unusual, and bizarre place that you just cannot come back from. The trend here is that each one tops the previous one as to who can be the stupidest of them all. Dum and dummer if you will. Come to think about this, why hasn’t Hollywood shot movies on these people as yet? CNN or BBC videos get watched once on the internet, while Hollywood Movies are evergreen. Nevertheless, car jackers go after the sportiest of vehicles and with a game plan, probably vast knowledge of how the car operates and years of driving experience too. Mganga Mganga, does this name intimidate you? Yap, doesn’t to me either. General speaking, personal preference, driving stick shift is much more fun and exciting than an Automatic Transmission, there is an Art of doing it right and changing in the precise timing also without jerking the car and without overhauling the engine either. Back to Mganga, one man gang, with a gun, tried to be a gang-banger, jumped into a women’s car, holding her up without a word, his gun was supposed to say everything and to his surprize, he was more intimidated than the women being pointed by a gun, and by what? A stationary vehicle was more intimidating to him due to him not being able to drive stick shift, neighbors say the” car stayed there forever ” as it took him round about 7 minutes all in all in his struggle before fleeing on foot at which what went around, definitely came around when the police nabbed the bugger.
3. Darren Kimpton
Real criminals, would try their very best to evade all types of authority figures and more especially Law enforcement figures. The best of their kind will simply do whatever necessary to disguise themselves, when they see police, they will make themselves invisible, when in the sight and memory of any witnesses to their crimes, everything possible would be done to eliminate such potential threats to their operations and by this, we mean all costs. The bottom line here is that if you’re a criminal, you stay as far away from police as you can or anything that can get you arrested eventually. If you’re a career criminal, nobody will mind your business about how you make your living, besides the cops and if you’re making a living robbing people, I’m not condemning the act, but hey, everybody does it these days don’t they? And they tend to do it well too and to those successful robbers, well done to you. Get a load of this guy though, Darren Kimpton. Oh Darry, why Darry?? Well Darren has tried extremely hard, not once but twice to break into a house .Failed the first time and by leaving a nice trail of blood on the door handle for police records when he did it again, boogey man at night, this time to his success, busting open with victory only to get a surprise of his life. Police have already been onto his trail of blood earlier and has been waiting for him as he walked through, eventually trying to escape got him nabbed again.
2. “Turn-Tables Thief”
Golden rule in modern society is that you bow down to the man that has a gun pointed at you, so that he doesn’t aggrivatedly use it against you. Respect the gunmen as you never know when he could just flip a safety switch and pull a trigger, these kinds of things happen and even accidently too. In general, somebody who has a gun pointed at you would be the dominant one, the one whose incharge,who dictates what happens next and which instructs you to do whatever needs to be done and how to do it. The person however on the other end of the nozzle would be fearing for their lives at this instant and would do whatever it takes to get whatever needs to be done to avoid getting shot. Picture this scenario but wait for the finale, the anti-climax of this chronicle. Turn Tables thief as we can call this un-named felon is purely due to how the tables turned on him for the worst by his own silly mistake. Demanding an amount from a bank teller of £700 000 he has given away his gun instead of the money bag in which was his utmost downfall, the gun was then in turn used against him. This is almost like saying:” I had my turn of pointing the gun at you, here, point it back at me now”. Grown men make mistakes like this especially in the midst of a bank robbery, giving away your only means of looking “dangerous” when you’re doing you’re bank robbery thing, is rather ridiculous and pathetic.
1. Dennis Hawkins
Number one Ranker of the dumbest criminals ever would be an award given proudly with absolute great insulting laughs to Dennis Hawkins. Being 48 years of age is almost half a century old. The average Half a century year old man or women ought to have gained a teeny bit of wisdom in their lives, for all its worth and all that time spent living it, one should have at least known the basic things about dressing, disguise, the ultimate difference between male and female as well with each characteristic and physical traits each would resemble. A little child can tell the indefinite difference between boy, girl, man, women, so how stupid would an adult be not to know the difference?. Let us now begin to unfold the utmost of how just how the worst of the worst of ‘wanna be’ attempted criminals can be. Dennis Hawkins, was absolutely no menace. The man couldn’t even get a disguise right. Fake breasts, bigger buttocks, oh and a wig too, plus some leopard print looking pants may have worked on a more feminine looking male if it were to be pulled off as a disguise. To Dennis though, even if he had done a sex change, he would have failed hopelessly as the one thing, the most glaring thing, was his face which gave it away. After all, which women has a boxed goatee and beard around their mouth? Police eventually had absolute no trouble catching her, I mean him.Jeez even he himself didn’t know who ‘it’ wanted to be, man or women. It could be that he wanted to look ‘pretty’ in his mug shot on the way to prison or to make a ‘statement’ to all the prison rapists that their days are to be better when his around. Robbery with a BB gun could probably be pulled off on the streets with a bit of male aggression and acting. Dennis too could have probably pulled off this robbery with the same BB gun and a beard, but with a little bit of masculinity to him instead. Who in the right sense of their minds, would respect or be threatened by a man dressed like a women that bares a thick beard and a clowns pants, regardless of whether the gun was real or fake, I’d have probably laughed in the face of what attempted to give an illusion of ‘dangerous’, I mean even a mischievous kid with a toothpick getting ready to deflate an inflatable boat on the white waters of a river would scare me more than this Dennis guy.
Top 10 Dumbest Criminals Ever
- Dennis Hawkins
- Turn-Tables Thief
- Darren Kimpton
- Mganga Mganga
- Albert Bailey
- “Xavi” the donkey
- Zechary Tentoni
- Ruban Zurate
- Un-named (Attempted ATM thief)
- Klaus Shcmidt